Aye Spy

findingennui asked: Have you made your decision about re-opening that, erg, can of worms(relationship)?

I just posted that this afternoon so it’s a little fresh! (but thanks for the question!)

I’ve always been inclined to say no for a number of reasons. Knit and NYC are unstable people and I don’t want to invite not only that into my life but their judgement and jealousy. I know it sounds so self centered to say they we’re jealous but they straight up said they were sooooo….

And for Lady - a much as I miss our friendship she has chosen (and made efforts) with these girls and not me. And I don’t think I should pursue a relationship with someone any further when they make that judgement and choice - considering I basically pleaded with her not to.

And we don’t live anywhere NEAR each other so the likelihood of me seeing theses girls again in my lifetime is slim.

I just miss having that connection to that period of my life.

But I have my degree for that :)

But bottom line - if people make you doubt yourself, your worth, your contribution as a friend (and I know my friends think I’m an awesome one) then they are not worth having in your life.

And I haven’t missed them since. Just makes me scratch my head every now and then.

My roommate from university is getting married this weekend. I’m thrilled for her, but also a little bit sad.

She and I lived together for our 2nd, 3rd and 4th years together. We had our ups and downs but we were really close because we shared so much of our university experience together. We were always hanging out with the same crowd and we’d always become a “3” with another girl, but no matter what the two of us seemed to stick together.

Something changed in our 4th year though. A good friend of mine (and of hers) came to live with us. The dynamic swiftly changed and her jealousy of me permeated throughout our living situation. (She was jealous of my island home, my red hair, my twin - all of which I can not, and would never want to, change) I run from conflict and tried my very best to be the best type of friend I could, but almost everything I did was taken either out of context, or assumed to be the worse. It was unbelievably stressful on me and I was sad but happy to leave when I graduated. I knew I’d miss her (Let’s call her Lady) but I wouldn’t miss living with her and Knit (the other roommate)

Fast forward and I moved to NYC and found out one of our mutual friends lived there too. I was thrilled. She and I were friends first and I brought her into our fold. 

Except something was very different in NYC. She wasn’t the person I thought she was, and somehow ended up living with my boyfriend (we met through her) and she was not only basket case to live with, but a HORRIBLE roommate (like psycho) and this changed our friendship. Things came to a head but she “broke up with me” over text message.

I knew that Knit and Lady were close to her still so I thought I’d send them an email explaining NOT my side, but that she (NYC) and I decided not to be friends anymore but I hoped that that wouldn’t affect our relationships since we had been friends for such a long time. I specifically told them I did NOT want them to pick sides but that they could be friends with both of us, but we just wouldn’t be friends with each other.

Knit sent me back the most hateful email I thought I could ever receive. Declaring me a drama queen, of ALWAYS being one, and that NYC was a better friend that I would be any day.

To say I was hurt was an understatement. Our relationship quickly, and promptly ended.

Lady however, Lady is a different story. She got caught up between not only NYC and Me, but Knit and Me, and decided to keep in touch with Knit and NYC, not me. I’ve tried over the years to keep in contact but it just doesn’t work for some reason.

When my father passed away is the ONLY time I’ve heard from Knit and NYC in almost 5 years. It was a hollow peace offering.

When I wished Lady an amazing day for her upcoming wedding, she asked me if I had changed my mind about reaching out to Knit and NYC, saying that they’d love to hear from me.

News.to.me.

Why is it my court to reach out to these girls? They exited from my life (in the most dramatic of ways) and my life hasn’t been any worse of without them.

Except they are invited to Lady’s wedding, and I am not.

And that, that hurts.

I would give them a second chance if only for Lady, but I really don’t want to invite that into my life again.

Is it worth it to be included in the University group again? Even though it all just feels a little bit hollow?

I just don’t know.

Today I was plated and done an easily 20mis before the next person.

The chef tasted and said “Good”, “Good”, “Good”. I could see he was just looking for something to say maybe I didn’t Blanche my zucchini enough? Nope. Did I season everything properly? Yup. Even the meat was perfect.

I would like to cheer and throw up my hands and do a little jig when I have a great day in the kitchen. But I feel like I’m not allowed to say “Great! No critique!” when asked “How’d it go?” I feel like a slow boiling tension is building with my friends in the kitchen (especially close to exams) and I can’t say I did well. I immediately lead with “oh well my beef could have been cut bigger.” Instead of saying “It practically melted like butta.”

My sister says no matter what people think I should take pride in my work. But I feel it’s difficult for women to throw up their hands and declare “I’m great today!” We’re labelled a bitch or snotty or full of ourselves

Or maybe it’s just all in my head…

whatshouldwecallme:

Expectation:

Reality:

whatshouldwecallme: