Showing posts tagged break up

How does one pick up the pieces?

So here was this man. This gorgeous man with a crooked smile. He wanted me, talked about our life together, and then he didn’t. 

He ran away again. This time for good. And I am broken.

How does one move forward from the conversations where you had planned your life with a person? Named children, built imaginary houses and empires. Spoke of the future like a tangible and inevitable thing. How do you move on from the feeling that this was it. You were done. You thought that no matter what life threw at you it didn’t matter because you both were in it.

And then he was gone, again. He speaks the unthinkable:

"I never think about you. And if I was in love with you, I would think about you. And I don’t. I’m just not in love with you."

How do you move forward?  

I just don’t know.

Heartbreak continues re

  • Coworker: Have you bought your ticket?
  • Me: For what?
  • Coworker: For June. Maryland?
  • Me: Why would I go to Maryland in June?
  • Coworker: To see your boyfriend?
  • Me: We broke up.
  • Coworker: Oh? He couldn't handle the long distance?
  • Me: He couldn't handle a lot of things. That's what happens when you get in a relationship with a Narcissist.
  • Coworker: Oh. Then it's your fault if you knew.
  • Me: I guess. Maybe I'm a Sadist.

Truth vs. The Lies

I’ll build us a house. 

I’m just not in love with you.

In this house we’ll have a huge bed.

I’m just not in love with you.

With two washers and dryers, one upstairs and one down.

I’m just not in love with you.

And I’ll build you whatever you want for a kitchen.

I’m just not in love with you.

I want to homeschool our children.

I’m just not in love with you.

What shall we call them? How about X, Y or Z?

I’m just not in love with you.

I feel the most connected to you than anyone else.

I’m just not in love with you.

I miss you more than anyone else in the world.

I’m just not in love with you.

I want to build an empire with you.

i’m just not in love with you.

I’m so excited you’re here.

I’m just not in love with you.

I really hope this works out.  I feel like a little kid having you here.

I’m.just.not.in.love.with.you.

It is the worlds cruelest joke to have you fall in love with someone only to find out they don’t love you back.

I’m just not in love with you.
Said the man who just broke my heart (again).

Awkward conversation for a girl for her girl - neither of which are "me"

  • Girl: Aren't you guys together??
  • Swag and me: No
  • Girl: No you're bf and gf
  • Swag and me: No, we're not
  • Girl: I can totally tell
  • Swag and me: No seriously, we're not
  • Girl: Oh come on! Someone told me you were
  • Swag and me: Look at each other awkwardly...I silently walk away

After an awkward night in the kitchen

  • Swag (text): Are we cool? Are you cool?
  • Me (text): Dude - you broke it off. You can't expect me to do cartwheels around you. It's gonna be awkward but lucky for us it's almost over.
  • Swag ( text): Sorry i didnt know you felt bad or awkward about all of it, ill let you be
  • Me - silently crushed that it still needs to be reiterated that he has dumped me and no, he has not realized his potentially fatal mistake.

Love.

this is amazing

this is amazing

Second Chances?

My roommate from university is getting married this weekend. I’m thrilled for her, but also a little bit sad.

She and I lived together for our 2nd, 3rd and 4th years together. We had our ups and downs but we were really close because we shared so much of our university experience together. We were always hanging out with the same crowd and we’d always become a “3” with another girl, but no matter what the two of us seemed to stick together.

Something changed in our 4th year though. A good friend of mine (and of hers) came to live with us. The dynamic swiftly changed and her jealousy of me permeated throughout our living situation. (She was jealous of my island home, my red hair, my twin - all of which I can not, and would never want to, change) I run from conflict and tried my very best to be the best type of friend I could, but almost everything I did was taken either out of context, or assumed to be the worse. It was unbelievably stressful on me and I was sad but happy to leave when I graduated. I knew I’d miss her (Let’s call her Lady) but I wouldn’t miss living with her and Knit (the other roommate)

Fast forward and I moved to NYC and found out one of our mutual friends lived there too. I was thrilled. She and I were friends first and I brought her into our fold. 

Except something was very different in NYC. She wasn’t the person I thought she was, and somehow ended up living with my boyfriend (we met through her) and she was not only basket case to live with, but a HORRIBLE roommate (like psycho) and this changed our friendship. Things came to a head but she “broke up with me” over text message.

I knew that Knit and Lady were close to her still so I thought I’d send them an email explaining NOT my side, but that she (NYC) and I decided not to be friends anymore but I hoped that that wouldn’t affect our relationships since we had been friends for such a long time. I specifically told them I did NOT want them to pick sides but that they could be friends with both of us, but we just wouldn’t be friends with each other.

Knit sent me back the most hateful email I thought I could ever receive. Declaring me a drama queen, of ALWAYS being one, and that NYC was a better friend that I would be any day.

To say I was hurt was an understatement. Our relationship quickly, and promptly ended.

Lady however, Lady is a different story. She got caught up between not only NYC and Me, but Knit and Me, and decided to keep in touch with Knit and NYC, not me. I’ve tried over the years to keep in contact but it just doesn’t work for some reason.

When my father passed away is the ONLY time I’ve heard from Knit and NYC in almost 5 years. It was a hollow peace offering.

When I wished Lady an amazing day for her upcoming wedding, she asked me if I had changed my mind about reaching out to Knit and NYC, saying that they’d love to hear from me.

News.to.me.

Why is it my court to reach out to these girls? They exited from my life (in the most dramatic of ways) and my life hasn’t been any worse of without them.

Except they are invited to Lady’s wedding, and I am not.

And that, that hurts.

I would give them a second chance if only for Lady, but I really don’t want to invite that into my life again.

Is it worth it to be included in the University group again? Even though it all just feels a little bit hollow?

I just don’t know.