Aye Spy

I have made two very good friends at LCB. One is 31 and one is 19. The 19 yr old is with her first boyfriend and first love. She is doubting. My other friend and I have had two very different experiences with our first loves. She stayed with hers for 10 years. I stayed with mine for 4 years (on and off). So the 19 yr old asked for advice. 

Mine was that everyone else has been less than the first. The first is the first feeling of love. Of intimacy. That if you can keep and maintain, it’s worth holding on. But I knew if I stayed with mine, I wouldn’t experience more. Wouldn’t experience NYC, Paris, Culinary School. I would have stayed, stayed for him, in his reality. But we never “ran our course” as some say. We broke up because we had to. But now I know we needed to.

My other friend said she wishes they would have had the break to test. Test their love. Their faithfulness. Their relationship.

There is no right answer. But each girl said that because I said everyone else has been just a little bit “less” means I haven’t found the “the one”.

I disagreed.

They have always been just a little bit “less” because he was the first. The first person I ever loved outside my family. The first person I wanted to tell anything (before my sister). My first ever confident outside my family. The first person I ever trusted more than anyone else.

You can never replace. You can never aspire. But you can find different. And that I’m happy with that. It’s not about competing. It’s about fulfilling. 

My friend keeps telling me over and over again that if he’s not willing to make me a priority then I can’t make him mine.

I keep practicing what he preaches but it’s tiring sometimes to watch how easily they fall.